Do you think children are born empty of love and our job as parents is to fill them up with love them to make them feel loved ?  No! This makes no sense does it?  We are so backwards sometimes!  Our job as parents is to actually open ourselves [...]]]> Huge insight lately about children and love.

Do you think children are born empty of love and our job as parents is to fill them up with love them to make them feel loved ?  No! This makes no sense does it?  We are so backwards sometimes!  Our job as parents is to actually open ourselves up enough to receive their love and all their fantastic expressions of it.  That’s true acceptance.

Children need to love.  And they need to have their love received.  Maybe even more than they need to be loved by others. Children already have a deep infinite source of love  and joy that they are connected to because they are children and it’s innate in them. They need to have their love and bouncy joy accepted and taken in.  They need to have their love and all their creative expressions of it appreciated with gratitude.  They need others to receive it with full presence.

Recently I read a journal I wrote when I was eleven years old.  It was poignant, funny and full of longing.  Longing to love.  NOT longing to be loved. I was struck by the distinction.  From my adult perspective it’s easy to think that children simply want to be loved, but this is actually not the whole truth.  When children see suffering or pain around them, their natural instinct and desire is to love and to try to help.  This reading of my own eleven year old perspective really reminded me of this.

I remember feeling sorry for my parents as a very small child.  I remember not so much the feeling of needing their love, but I wanted them to stop suffering.  SO BADLY.  Children can see their parents suffering.  It’s as plain as day to them.  I saw how stuck in their heads they were, trapped in the self imposed suffering of  their worrisome doubts, thoughts and fears.  I tried everything to get them to feel better.  Cuteness, loving kindness, servitude, being funny, being loud and silly, being rambunctious, being quiet and good and eventually being BAD, to try to get them to snap out of it.  Rarely did they have the willingness to peek out of the window and  see me, to see how hard I was trying to make them feel better.  They were blind to me.   I was just an annoyance and I’d get a reprimand, and back into their heads they went.  Lost. In the cocoon of misery.

So what if you are a parent who (let’s face it) is grumpy a lot of the time or worried all the time, lost in thought and just not really there?  Do you think you can accept their love when you are so focused on your miserable thoughts?  Do you think you are capable of enjoying them, or truly seeing them and appreciating them?

Are your children already angry and acting out because they feel so invisible?  If so, then sorry, it may already be too late.  They may already have learned that their energy is useless, worth nothing and not important to you and therefore the world.  Their love was not received.   God knows they tried, but you were too stuck with your head up your ass to notice them.  They were powerless.  That hurt.  So they hate you.   Maybe, I don’t know.  But this is how children learn to loathe their parents and to feel worthless.  Can you see this now?

And when those children  grow up and eventually feel so desperate to be accepted,  and decide having children is the best way,  they soon repeat that lovely cycle of not being able to take in their own children’s love.  Their hearts were shut down and locked up long ago.  YEP.  Around the misery-go-round we go.

Stop the cycle.  Please.  Start by being willing to learn how to love yourself.   Be willing.  That’s all that it takes.  And  then some baby steps.  Be willing to listen to yourself.  Be willing to take care of yourself.  Be willing to be present with yourself with loving kindness.  Yes it may feel really unnatural at first, but as an act of will, it will actually begin to feel more normal and actually good.  The more you love yourself, the more present you will be for your children and their open expressions of affection and adoration of you.  Yes you.

And when our children see and feel that their love is valued, good and important because we are willing  to take it in to our hearts, then they feel worthwhile.  They feel like they can contribute something useful to humanity. And they can be free to explore and enjoy their world and not constantly be burdened with worry about their unhappy family members.

Can you see this?  Can you see how important it is to learn to love yourself?

Just as we are about to make the escape from her room and close that door behind us, she calls out, “Can you stay with me for just one minute?” and anyone with a brain knows what that means, and when we agree because we have accepted that [...]]]> My daughter Lula has this ritual at bedtime.

Just as we are about to make the escape from her room and close that door behind us, she calls out, “Can you stay with me for just one minute?” and anyone with a brain knows what that means, and when we agree because we have accepted that we are suckers, and we lie down next to her she says, “OK! LET’S TALK. YOU CHOOSE!” in this hilarious way, like we’re having a sleep over now and we’re finally gettin’ to the GOOD gossip.  And so, because she’s commanded us to choose, we choose a whatever topic, like completely random out of thin air whatevers. It’s awesome. And we get into some really wierd and wacky discussions that have on occasion led to one hour talks.  We talk life and death, we talk about what stuffed animals are stuffed with and how paper is made.  We talk about people and what might be going on for them to have behaved that way and most recently we talked about LOVE.  This one made me hold my breath, it was so exquisite. This moment was so precious I just wanted to soak in it forever.

My question to her was, “What does love feel like to you?”

and out it came, no hesitation, rushing out of her, sure and strong as a waterfall.  I just lay back and felt it pour over me and through me.  (Now here’s where you come in.  Start painting in your head.)

It’s white. And black. And gold. And red. And green.

And yellow…and green,

and yellow and green and yellow and green and yellow and green and yellow and green and yellow and green and

orange and pink

and tingly

and warm

and brave.

…

BRAVE.  Yes she said BRAVE>  Holy sock me in my gut with the truth of love, nirvana just slap me around a bit more, i like it! Love is brave HELL YES it is!!!

It’s like you’re painting and painting and it’s all nice and colourful and lovely and then it’s BRAVE, and suddenly it’s fierce and big and luscious and all over the place.

Tonight, my question after the dance was, “How do you feel right now?”

And Lula answered, “Good.  Happy. Brave and Strong.”

Guess what my new favorite word is.