Life as Art » Life

The Truth is

Natalie — Sat, 01 May 2010 02:57:18 +0000

The truth is, no matter how bad it gets, I can always look in the faces of my beloved Grant, Lula and Max and see their shiny beauty and love, and be comforted and amazed that they are my family. My cherished ones.

The truth is, occasionally I feel like a failure. The truth is, sometimes I feel such a well of deep sadness, I simply don’t know where it comes from. The truth is, sometimes, I don’t want to get out of bed and be a leader. The truth is, sometimes, I just want to lay there in fetal position and hide, hide and hide. But I get up. I get up and look myself in the eyes and I see myself. I get up and face myself and I am kind to myself, even if this kindness feels incredibly unnatural. And sometimes getting up and facing myself feels like the hardest thing in the world, but I do it for me, for the kid who dreams. For the dreams I’ve already achieved, for the dreams I have yet to achieve. I do it for my children, so that they may one day face themselves even when it feels impossible. This is courage. This is compassion. This may not appear to be some huge daring feat of bravery, but bravery it is nonetheless. I forget this sometimes.

Let’s DO THIS THING!!!!

Natalie — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 05:25:28 +0000

Ok now that the New Year is upon us. New decade. Not so babyish 21st century. Let’s evolve a little shall we?? Let’s Do IT Guys and Gals! Let’s think outside the safe zone, and go a little broader in perspective and kinder and see a little clearer and sit in your own unique wisdom a little bit longer and enjoy the good things in life a bit more and really be your authentic self a little bit more and feel more and cry those great big releasing cries more which then turn into the funniest things ever, and shout and dance more and sing louder and stronger and practice thinking with different parts of your brain, and be connected to your heart more and then try thinking with your heart and look at people in the eye more, more as equals and learn to love looking at yourself in the eyes and talk more with vulnerability and show up as who you are at your core and listen with deeper compassion and learn about who your authentic self is with more curiosity and laugh harder and longer and look a lot better and have a lot more fun and eat better quality and tasting food and ask for better stuff that reflects more clearly what you really want to experience in life and be more thankful for all the wonderful and wacky gifts life has to offer and learn to really enjoy each other, and see others and their own unique ways and absolutely love them for them and subsequently fall in love more and fuck more and joy more.
Thanks for your eyeballs and hearts on this one.
Nat

Life as Art

Natalie — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:15:55 +0000

All my life, since I was a small girl, I’ve examined anything I saw as beautiful and I’ve studied art. Alone for hours in my parents’ lounge, I’d pore over the few Chinese paintings that were hung on the walls. I’d stare and stare and look at the expressions on the painted faces, make stories up about why that old guy with the wispy long beard had that sad look on his face. I’d examine what direction the paint strokes were laid and how colours were blended on the canvas. To this day I still look at paintings in this way. I’m that horrifying gal at galleries who crosses the red line with print above it, ‘PLEASE STAND BEHIND THE LINE’; standing so close to paintings, I could lick them. I’ve been tempted to caress paintings, but when that urge hits me, I usually have some panicked security guard ready to pounce on me, voice close to a shout, ‘Step back from the painting, miss, miss, maaam, please STEP BACK.’

Van Gogh’s work is a huge inspiration for me as a painter. I’d done my own versions of his paintings, copying his strokes, learning from him. The first time I saw an original Van Gogh in the flesh, I wept from the beauty of it. People in the gallery were streaming by this piece, giving it a glance, moving through the exhibit as though it were some obstacle course, while I stood there mesmerized, feet rooted like tree trunks, leaking eyes locked on this portrait of a yellow haired girl. This is the power of art, if you allow it. It just busts open your chest and makes you feel.

Recently I read one of Van Gogh’s biographies, and I read something that changed my perspective about everything, but especially my being a woman and a mother. I feel so incredibly privileged to be a woman. It changed my perspective in an instant from ‘women as underdogs in a white male system’ to ‘I’m a goddess, didja know?’ Apparently Van Gogh envied women. Not many men did way back then, hell, not many men do now, but then he was not just any man. He saw the ultimate value, the intrinsic value in the creative force inherent in all women, he envied that we can experience the ultimate act of creation. We get to experience creating humans, growing them in our bellies, and raising them and witnessing metamorphosis. I’ve always seen my children as miracles of creation, which I was a part of, but learning that my absolute hero of paint envied my experience of motherhood made me look at it again. Look again at my life. Zoom out big time. And I had this moment where I saw the totality of my life of as a giant piece of art work. My work. I wonder if this is what happens when people see their life flash before their eyes when they near death. I now see everything from this perspective from above, like a bird in the sky looking down at my adorable house, seeing my exquisite children, my gorgeous man, my phenomenal family of friends and all the inspiration I’ve surrounded myself with and almost every day I now weep with gratitude just like I wept when I saw that painting, at the sheer beauty in my life, and the ability to see my life as the work of art that it is. I can’t shake this vision of beauty, and I don’t want to. Thanks Vincent!