Conflict

Natalie — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 19:30:56 +0000

I’ve been thinking a lot of conflict lately. More like the good aspect of conflict rather than the fear of it. Unfortunately we live in a culture dominated by fear of conflict, we’ve all backed down from our truth in order to avoid conflict at some point, and then felt badly about it later…realizing we kind of betrayed ourselves. I hate that, but I know it’s an inevitable reaction sometimes, because I’ve been so conditioned to avoid anything remotely resembling conflict. As a child I often witnessed unconcious conflict that was mean, vicious and hurtful, it left everyone who was in its path shattered and raw…there was never any healthy resolution, only a heavy painful silence afterwards…and so I learned to fear it, and do anything to avoid it. That totally backfired, because I learned to distrust myself, because I had stopped living my truth, and was just trying to appease others in order to avoid conflict. Now after more than a decade of digging deep, weeding out old systems that had been learned by such experiences, I’ve had the profoundly healing experience of learning how to have healthy conflict, how to stand strongly in my truth, tell my truth, push and pull with another person and yet still be loving. It’s with utter gratitude when I say that conflict can be empowering…to both parties. Conflict usually comes about from anger, a feeling that a boundary has been crossed, a need to say ‘That’s not ok with me!” And if I am willing to express that a boundary has been crossed I have an opportunity to learn about myself. Why I have this boundary in the first place; where it came from. What needs to be healed in that particular spot. Conflict = Contact. Human contact. And when we share who we really are on a deeply personal level and really are able to listen to another person on a deeply personal level, we have the magical experience of understanding ourselves and another through genuine empathy and compassion. Learning healthy conflict gave me the door to learn amazing things about the people I love. It requires a certain kind of power and it builds power in each person who is willing to stand in their truth. I see their own passion, the ‘why’ behind it, and the gifts that come out of it. In my little family now, we conflict often and conciously, shout and cry loudly and in front of each other and anyone who happens to be around…we know it’s nothing to be ashamed of, not something to do behind closed doors. Anger is often expressed. But the distinction that is always clear to me is that it’s anger to express our own stance, not anger meant to hurt another back. And always in the midst of it, I am conscious that I need to model loving resolution to my children…so I always search for that percentage of responsibility I need to be accountable for and we all get to apologize, make amends, resolve and problem solve it together and end with a loving cuddle and tickle. Conflict = contact people!! Learn it and love it!!

Life Lecture #1

Natalie — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:29:08 +0000

Okay my lovely readers, this is a take it or leave it kinda post. And since I’m kinda sitting on the fence with it, I know it’s better to jest get it out there. All right then…and this is because I care…

Life Lecture #1

inspired by a lecture I gave to Lula who was picking at a scab on her face which has gotten bigger ( AARRugg!!)

about Healing and Scabs

like in life,

Don’t Pick At Your Scabs (your wounds, your hurts, inside and out, people!) b/c they’ll get bigger and worse and more painful, possibly leaving scars. Any kind of self denigration or self criticism is NOT helpful or appropriate for healing or growth as an individual. We are programmed by our society to feel guilty (particularly mothers!) and to self denigrate. Don’t do it. Don’t do the false modesty bull either. It’s the same thing. That’s you denying your good and your value. The value that is inherent in only you. That’s you rejecting you, staying small so others aren’t uncomfortable in your light. Stop. Stop and really be honest with yourself. How much of what you do, do you do because you need to take care of someone else’s feelings or because you are afraid to make someone uncomfortable or because you don’t want people to think ‘XY and Z’ about you. Stop it. Stop it I tell you.
Ya gotta give it a chance to heal, and it won’t heal if you keep picking’ at it! Be kind to yourself, don’t pick at yourself! Respect your body and respect yourself. Gentle care is in order. Take care of yourself.

Please apply the above lecture to whatever area in life you feel it fits the best with.

As an aside, I just want to reference the person who has most lectured me. Personally requiring this kind of lecturer, (someone to drill through the armour I’d built around myself) I got lectured when I needed to be lectured, by a dude named Dov Baron, whose lectures are the lectures I can’t help but lecture from, often outright stealing. But that’s his fault anyways, for being such a good lecturer.

Life as Art » Healing and Growth

Conflict

Life Lecture #1