I’ll tell you something I know, from my own kid in me and from my offspring kids Lula and Max.  If we aren’t getting something we need, we speak up through our behaviours.  And guess what?  Everyone does this, no matter how growned up.   Behaviour may get squashed a bit more, it may get controlled a lot, it may have a lovely veneer of verbal bull attatched to it, even outright projection onto another or flat out denial, but some telling behaviour will show up in some form or another if there’s a strong emotional need that isn’t getting met.  Sidebar skills of all my own personal development, psychology and acting studies: I’m a passionate behavioralist at heart.  I see behavior in people and I can see all too clearly what’s going on with them based on their behavior not their words.  Behaviour gets expressed in body language, in facial twitches, in the energy you can feel radiating from someone and the choices they make. Hell, sometimes I WANT to ignore the evidence in behavior and believe those rational clever words that create justifications for the behavior,  but the truth of the situation always prevails doesn’t it?  We may not have the verbal skills to express what we’re feeling, particularly when we’re feeling it, especially children, since verbal skills require the left logical linear rational part of our brain that may not be that well crossed over with right side of our brain where emotions are processed, so the short of it is : if some emotion is really rearin’ to get out, the first way out is through our BEHAVIOR.

I don’t know why I need to write this, but this behaviour in itself is interesting to me, because I tend to watch myself.  I trust my behaviour more than my thoughts to tell me what’s really going on with me.

So…anyone want to take a shot at it, just for practice? Sometimes it’s easier to practice on someone else first before you practice on yourself.  (By the way, your judgement of me is really none of my business)  Also, I get that I’ve WRITTEN, which is verbal in nature, but it was really mostly a free association kind of a blog… plus, i got good crossover when it comes to writing.  A few things I’ve discussed so far: The Kid, Neglect, Denial, Compassion, Behaviour, Wanting to Ignore, along with the behavior of writing on my blog….to an audience…

Pretty easy huh?

Gotta go have a bubble bath, a cuddle and a play now.

PS. Below here is a link to an AMAZING documentary on Children and Compassion:

Children Full of Life Documentary

Bravo to the brave ones.

Yet the paradox of this journey of motherhood is that it’s also amazing, and every day there are moments of pure joy unlike any I’ve ever experienced and unlike anything I will ever experience again. It’s a total mind fuck, because I’m living my dream raising a beautiful healthy family, but I’ve never felt so completely used up and trapped like a caged wild animal at the end of the day.

And all day long, I see how my children teach me.  Teach me about myself- about what really pushes my buttons.  (Constant high pitched screeching does it to me.  Oh, and biting, just to name a couple)  Teach me where my limits are. (How many times do I have to say something before I start shouting it?) Teach me how I behave when my limits are reached and when my limits are passed. (My heart races, growing anxiety and panic- the tip of the iceberg)  Teach me about my own unique coping mechanisms, (rocking in fetal position, screaming in pillows and good ol’ sugar and caffeine, just to name a few) Teach me about the spectrum of human emotion.  Teach me how to eat my words.  I watch myself and I’m at times horrified and at other times awed at the range of feelings I get to experience in a day.

All I have to say to those of you who are not with children is : be absolutely SURE in the depths of your depths, without a shadow of a doubt that you want children, and if you want to give it a whirl to experience a fraction of the reality,  please become a full time live in nanny.  DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER WANTS GRANDCHILDREN-she can adopt!  DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING- go get a good therapist. And if you decide that this experience is not for you, but you still want to experience having children in your life, go give your girlfriend or sister or cousin a break, who probably hasn’t yet had a shower, who may very well need to sit on the toilet because she’s been holding it for far too long, but mostly, because, if you can’t hang out with this woman who you used to be able to have a conversation with, you may as well get to know her children who are adorable versions of her and get a little shot of kid wisdom while you’re at it.

Compound this raw human reality I just described with the very real possibility that Mom isn’t getting more than two hours of sleep at a time and you can understand why those Mom’s at the supermarket with her screaming baby can’t muster the energy to pick up her baby and why she has that desperate crazed rabid look in her eyes.  These are a whole nuther couple of topics…

And honey, if you’ve got some stupid ass ‘Leave it to Beaver’ idea that you gotta have a hot meal ready for your man by 6 o’clock, while you try to do dishes with a baby that won’t let you put him down without screaming bloody murder, then I ask you this: How many children do you have? and include him in the count. Remember, he gets to shower and he gets to leave and go work with people who can cooperate and communicate and who don’t throw food at him and play with their poo in front of him.

I’m hoping for your sakes, he’s rushing home and cooking you dinner while he gazes lovingly at you and tells you you are simply AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL.

Because you are.